This. Just this.

There will always be a reason to be unhappy.

ALWAYS.

Lord help me to be grateful in the here and now.

I am happy to report that it has indeed gotten easier :)

My new town is starting to feel normal. I'm adjusting to the workload and I'm starting to meet people in my program.

Today I not only went to a baby shower but to an engagement party as well. Both events involved chatting with people that I had met during my undergrad career. Something happened though during these events, I realized that I was not a child anymore.

Conversations during both events entailed of house renovations, mortgages, full-time jobs, graduate work, and marriages. Content that is very grown-up by nature. These are the things that I had always looked forward to as a child and now these things are actually happening. I have finally reached that age bracket.

In a way I still feel like I am going through a prolonged college experience. I am in this weird in-between stage. I don't feel like I am an adult since I do not have the typical credentials. I am not married, without a mortgage, not in my career of choice yet. I'm not even financially independent. I have no roots whatsoever tying me down to anything. However, at the same time I don't feel like an undergrad since I have greatly matured from when I was 18.

While I value my freedom immensely, I am also envious of my friends who have more permanent ties than I do. All I know is that for about the next 3 years or so I will be earning my master's. After that I have no idea what will happen. I have no plan and this scares me.

Yes I do not have those grown-up credentials yet, but I am afraid that I will never achieve them. I long to be married one day. I long to be a counselor one day. I long to be financially independent one day. What scares me is what will happen to me if I don't have those things? Will I be OK? Will I be safe? Will I be stable?

I find myself more and more and more just wanting security.

I need to remember that just because I am not there yet does not mean that I never will be. However, more than that my security cannot come from checklists or lists of requirements. That's entirely too conditional.

My security has come from being likable and having people love me whether that be my family or my friends. My security was found in high GPAs and having awesome references. My security came from eloquent speaking. My security came from being perfect or at least trying to be.

During 2013, my friends have migrated and moved on with their lives via marriages, jobs, babies, or grad school. Family strains have prevented me from going home for the past year and a half (yes this has included Christmas and Thanksgiving). While my GPA was good enough to get into grad school, it was not the perfect 4.0 I had envisioned for myself. I have come to realize the depth of my humanity and how far from a perfect, sinless, angel I am.

Any source of security that I had has been taken away which is why I am searching for it now.

My security has to come from this
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to celebrate us from the love of God which is Jesus Christ our Lord."-Romans 8:38-39

He has to be my security. Everything else is temporary.

////
This is my soul song. I don't know why but it has always resonated with me.

Early 2000s goodness

It's official. Grad school is not like undergrad.

I had heard rumors about this, but now...now I know this to be incredibly true.

While I was getting my Bachelor's degree, I didn't exactly have to keep up with the reading involved with every class. I would attend class regularly (except for the 8 am classes...those were not so frequently attended) and read the chapters before exam days and that basic formula was enough to get me a pretty decent GPA (good enough to get me into grad school).

Now, however,

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

Last weekend I got horribly behind in my reading in one class and the rest of the week was honestly trying to play catch up. It was rough to put it mildly. I am insanely glad that is over and will try my hardest to avoid similar incidents like that in the future.

I am still starting to get to know people here. I have unconsciously set a goal to meet at least one new person every class. It's working so far, but I am still have a long way to go. One thing I learned in my undergrad career is that if you wanted friends, you had to be proactive and ask for them.

One amazing comfort in all of this is my dog. He has made this transition so much easier than it would have been if I had made this move on my own. It's nice to come home to someone who is always happy to see me :)

I've started volunteering at a women's shelter as of this past week. Due to the fact I have absolutely no idea what population I would like to work with in the future, I figured volunteering in as many diverse places as I can would give me a better idea.

Right now the main struggle has just been feeling lonely. I know this will get better. I keep telling myself that. I'm just in the sucky phase at the moment. It will get better. It will.

ch-ch-changes!! Seems to be the theme in my life at the moment.

Sooooo

I have been in my new town for about a month now and I am still adjusting to the plethora of changes

I am now living in an apartment with just one other person and my dog. This is a freaking huge change. For the past 2 and a half years I had been living in a house packed with girls. I would have at least 3 roommates during any given semester. It's entirely different now. I am actually having to get things like kitchen appliances and furniture whereas before those sort of things were always taken care of by my roommates. In some ways it's different and will take some getting used to, but in other ways it has been incredibly enpowering. I don't feel like I am sharing the apartment but it feels like this is my apartment. There's a very big difference between the two.

Being a student again is a hard adjustment. I am finding myself with a severe lack of motivation to do the copious amount of reading but I think this is due to the fact I have not been a student for a year. Again it will take some getting used to.

I'm slowly adjusting to the fact I am not in Aggieland anymore which is very bittersweet. On one hand, I know it was a good decision to leave since A&M could no longer offer me anything in terms of forwarding my career. However, I also left many people who I love and care about immensely. Good decision but not an easy one in the least.

I have been questioning myself lately over whether or not I really chose the right school. I had a dream not long ago that I realized I had made a horrible mistake and was trying to transfer. Dreams like this do not help. 

I keep telling myself that it will get easier. This transition phase won't last forever. I just wish there was a way to fast forward all this. I've decided though that this is a good skill to learn. I seriously doubt I am going to stay in a college town forever so I will most likely have to do this again in the future. So it will be good to have some experience under my belt.

I have started all over once. I can do it again. It will just take a while.

in other news I have been on a vampire weekend kick lately and have had this song stuck in my head for a while

Click click click!!!

I tend to go on youtube primarily for the insane amount of musical talent out there. Admittedly my taste tends to be super hipster. You have been warned :)

Here's a little ditty that has caught my fancy lately.

Click ME

Hey,

So...blogging. Haven't done this in a while.

Since the departure from my Xanga days, I didn't think I would ever feel the need to inform people about my daily life again. I tend to be a private person and the whole notion was just a bit too much in the spotlight for my taste. However, the idea of blogging has suddenly not been able to leave me alone.

The genesis of this blog basically came from the season of life I am finding myself in now.

I am in the midst of immense change and I feel there is a lot I do not know.

I am not who I was five years ago. I am no longer a bright-eyed undergraduate. I graduated from college in December 2012. Since then I had been working and applying to different graduate programs. With the new year I am now a graduate student at a new school in a new town finally pursing the field I am so passionate about. I am in an environment where nothing is familiar and I am starting over.

And something inside of me is screaming

WRITE.THIS.DOWN.

I feel like I am at the phase in my story where most TV sitcoms and movies end. The audience assumes they lived happily ever after but what happens after the credits roll is rarely ever seen. I am approaching my mid-twenties and many of those in my friend group are moving on and establishing lives of their own. Some are getting married. Some have gotten mortgages. Some are in their career of choice, and others are starting families of their own.

I'm not there yet; I've still got some traveling to do before I get there. And that's OK. In fact, I would daresay that it is good that I am where I am.

I don't know what's going to happen.

But whatever does I need to remember.

Maybe writing this blog will in someway provide a safe place for me. An outlet for my frustrations and fears and everything in between. In the midst of all this transition, it could be a place of stability.

So here's to 2014.  Here's hoping it's a fun ride :)