I am happy to report that it has indeed gotten easier :)

My new town is starting to feel normal. I'm adjusting to the workload and I'm starting to meet people in my program.

Today I not only went to a baby shower but to an engagement party as well. Both events involved chatting with people that I had met during my undergrad career. Something happened though during these events, I realized that I was not a child anymore.

Conversations during both events entailed of house renovations, mortgages, full-time jobs, graduate work, and marriages. Content that is very grown-up by nature. These are the things that I had always looked forward to as a child and now these things are actually happening. I have finally reached that age bracket.

In a way I still feel like I am going through a prolonged college experience. I am in this weird in-between stage. I don't feel like I am an adult since I do not have the typical credentials. I am not married, without a mortgage, not in my career of choice yet. I'm not even financially independent. I have no roots whatsoever tying me down to anything. However, at the same time I don't feel like an undergrad since I have greatly matured from when I was 18.

While I value my freedom immensely, I am also envious of my friends who have more permanent ties than I do. All I know is that for about the next 3 years or so I will be earning my master's. After that I have no idea what will happen. I have no plan and this scares me.

Yes I do not have those grown-up credentials yet, but I am afraid that I will never achieve them. I long to be married one day. I long to be a counselor one day. I long to be financially independent one day. What scares me is what will happen to me if I don't have those things? Will I be OK? Will I be safe? Will I be stable?

I find myself more and more and more just wanting security.

I need to remember that just because I am not there yet does not mean that I never will be. However, more than that my security cannot come from checklists or lists of requirements. That's entirely too conditional.

My security has come from being likable and having people love me whether that be my family or my friends. My security was found in high GPAs and having awesome references. My security came from eloquent speaking. My security came from being perfect or at least trying to be.

During 2013, my friends have migrated and moved on with their lives via marriages, jobs, babies, or grad school. Family strains have prevented me from going home for the past year and a half (yes this has included Christmas and Thanksgiving). While my GPA was good enough to get into grad school, it was not the perfect 4.0 I had envisioned for myself. I have come to realize the depth of my humanity and how far from a perfect, sinless, angel I am.

Any source of security that I had has been taken away which is why I am searching for it now.

My security has to come from this
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to celebrate us from the love of God which is Jesus Christ our Lord."-Romans 8:38-39

He has to be my security. Everything else is temporary.

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This is my soul song. I don't know why but it has always resonated with me.

Early 2000s goodness